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tv   At Midnight  Comedy Central  September 23, 2014 2:09am-2:36am PDT

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it's 11:59 and 59 seconds this happened on charlo green is a news reporter in anchorage who happened to be an owner of cannabis, alaska cannabis club and yes her real last name is green. >> filling in for mary jane dank-nugz. >> she recently filed a report on alaska's fight to legalize marijuana. let's take a look. >> and i quit this job. well, not that i have a choice, but (bleep) it. i quit. >> we apologize for that. we will be right back. >> i am surprised she just doesn't go (bleep) it i quit too. >> in hindsight it was obvious she was going to pursue a career in marijuana when she filed that report on trippy posters that look totally sweet but she was totally thrown off so what is a
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better way for the anchor to have responded jesse joyce. >> well there goes alaska's black person. >> marina franklin. >> charlo going all gangster on us? get that girl some rap music. >> all right, todd barry. >> thanks, charlo, you could have left the part out about quitting and just said (bleep) it and we could have fired you and then you could collect unemployment. oh, welcome to @midnight! >> >> welcome to @midnight f i i am chris hardwick. for at that monday night tonight's comedians are he's a regular at the stand comedy club in new york city it's jesse joyce! from the friends like us pod cast and women who kill available on netflix, it's marina franklin. [ cheers and applause ] >> welcome. >> how are you? >> i am feeling good. >> good. >> it is nice to be here. >> it is good to have you. do you have any strategy for tonight? this is your first time. >> i am going to be like
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michelle obama and beat all of these mother (bleep)ers. >> good, performing at the icehouse in pasadena california, september 24th his internal the crowd work tour, is available on, it's todd barry. >> todd, what particular strategy might you employ today to best marina and jesse. >> well i lost last time i did the show. >> chris: yes. >> and i am ready to lose again. >> chris: okay. good. perfect. >> that is a great place to start the show. ripped from today's internet headlines it's rapid refresh. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: all right. it has been another tough week for football, we found inspiration in two post game interviews that went spiral. >> after the football game apollos game a stirring post game interview that amassed over a million views and subtlety is an understatement and it is an awesome feeling, it is an awesome feeling, we truly believe you are going to be
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successful regardless of the situation, regardless of the score board you are going to be successful, because you put in all the time, all the effort all the hard work and you know it is going to pay off. >> by the way, that went on for five minutes. >> i love this guy. i will follow him anywhere. >> when do the head injuries kick in? >> chris: points to marina. >> right after getting trounced by the steelers on sunday night football carolina panthers quarterback cam newton got trounced on twitter for this picture of his post game interview outfit. comedians, what would you guys call this fashion forward look, marina? >> cam newton on top cameron diaz on the bottom. >> chris: points. todd barry. >> i call that i thought the podium would have sides. >> chris: points, todd barry.
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>> and probably the most delightful feel good story this week in today's total recall becomes totally reality a tampa woman who had $20,000 worth of plastic surgery to add a middle boob. here she is on facebook. i give you jasmin tridevil. >> there she is. >> yeah! >> just taking the triplets out for a spin. >> which comment on facebook -- i just can't stop -- i feel like it is an office desk toy. i can't stop staring at it. >> i don't even understand why she spent all the money for that when you could have three boobs with a bad bra. >> chris: i know, 20 grand down the toilet. which comment on facebook got the most likes a, what is next, three eyes three's holes, idiot. >> although to be fair, those two addition would be very
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efficient. >> b that's the most (bleep)ed up thing i've ever seen but if it makes you happy go for it. c, between the it the lovers and the haters nobody notices someone was clearly murdered in that room. >> what is the correct answer, yes, jesse. >> c? >> it looks like the psycho shower seen. >> show the picture again that is the correct answer. what is that? did they do the surgery just then? >> some other woman with one boob missing in the tub. >> ms. tridevil said quote i got it because i want to make myself unattractive to men. that stay real quote and here's a facebook video showing her attempts to be unattractive to men. >> how do you like me now? how do you like me now? >> move your hand you are blocking your four vaginas. >> i keep pointing out stuff in the background but there is a
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(bleep)ing cage behind her for some reason. >> what kind of crazy (bleep) is this lady into? >> that is not a cage, that is for the baby. >> chris: what will this woman do next to make herself unattractive to men, jesse joyce. >> have a kid? [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: points. todd. >> i think she is all set. i don't know. >> chris: point for todd barry. >> that brings us to the end of rapid refresh. now it's time for tonight's hashtag wars. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen of earth, it is the future. broke ground in texas today for a commercial space port which they say will offer flight into orbit by 2016. a giant step for mankind, tonight's hashtag is sexy space. sexy space.
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it might be tap that asteroid or galluccio lacks situate action or spooge nick because why not marina. >> once you go black hole you never go back ho. >> chris: well done. points. >> jesse. >> jizz aldrin. >> chris: yes. the man is a national hero! point. >> he was a dick to me once. >> chris: todd. >> neptune. >> chris: yes. points. jesse. >> hot karl sagan. .. >> chris: todd. >> graba atitty. >> marina, houston we have a problem it has been up too long. >> chris: yes. points. todd. >> poon tang. >> remember -- >> chris: is that the pussy of
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astronauts? >> did i even understand what i am talking about? >> chris: yes. i know what you are talking about. let's hear tonight's hashtag wars, send them to sexy. >> our tweet of the day from last night's hashtag wars was sent to us by @vishaal7. well hmm... fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. everybody knows that parker. well... did you know auctioneers make bad grocery store clerks? that'll be $23.50. now .75, 23.75, hold 'em. hey now do i hear 23.75? 24! hey 24 dollar, 24 and a quarter, quarter now half, 24 and a half and .75! 25!
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now a quarter, hey 26 and a quarter, do you wanna pay now, you wanna do it, 25 and a quarter- -sold to the man in the khaki jacket! geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.
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welcome back to @midnight. it is a monday, it is technically tuesday now, oh, well. it is time to play southern belles. southern belles. >> i am a southerner, a proud southerner and i get miffed when people suggest that those that grew up below the nature dixon line. i turn to the redneck forum, what are you laughing at and everything from tv maintenance to twirl me, and beautiful southern women, we are going to show you a picture of refined southern bell from the redneck woman thread and for 250 points you will give us their tinder opening lines first one, this
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mother to be. ah, delightful rat mink just color in the navel, it will be fine. jesse. >> might fetus has a kick starter for its own abortion. >> my fetus has a kick starter for its own abortion. >> chris: next one this blushing bride. >> this blushing bride. >> jesse. >> the dress color said virgin but the bing drinking says bust -- doesn't count. >> chris: points. actually i think that is a bustup to get her in that position, as we see. todd. >> as you can see i am kind of a wine snob. >> chris: points todd. >> points to todd barry. next one, how about this responsible parent. >> yeah. >> okay. so let's just break that down for a sec.
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got the rifle in one arm scooping the baby and then pounding around the baby, jesse. >> i asked mickeyed if he would rather live with mommy or daddy and he said orphanage. >> chris: points. todd. >> calm down i know what you are worried about. it is just rootbeer. >> chris: points. >> next one these mud wrestlers rocking therocking the confederate flag which seems slightly racist. jesse. >> this is a picture of my dad and i at the beach chem county septic tank festival. .. >> oh, points. >> todd. >> please don't be offended by my pierced belly button. >> chris: points. >> if she is missing a third tit she can just borrow one of his. >> chris: nice. points for jesse joyce. last one.
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this cow flasher. whew! >> that is the upside to having a side boob. >> this is what happens when a cow yells show me your tits. >> chris: points. marina. >> my hobbies include cow titting and collecting disability checks. >> chris: points. by the way, notice that the cows are walking away. >> all right guys that's the end of southern belles, it is time for the next game youtube channels f'real. >> todd barry you sounded really excited youtube weird channels are always on, we are going to show you a choice of two bizarre channels you have to guess which one is real.
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let's begin, the first one a teenager who reviewed scented candles with great detail or a woman who predicts stock market trends with help of her cat blue chipper. >> yes todd. >> i think the woman who predicts stock market trends with her cat, that's how i made my first million. >> chris: let's find out. >> teddy bear, this is just like it. this smells super, super, super amazing. it is amazing. >> chris: what a word smith! >> i haven't been in hall for a while but are there no more bullies? doesn't that happen anymore? >> chris: come on! come on! >> he is holding one candle how does that count as a haul? >> he needs to get it all the way up the stairs. >> chris: next one. a puppet clown named pissy who
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tells scary stories or an artist that makes celeb faces out of mashed potatoes and eats them. >> a puppet clown named piss city, that sounds amazing. >> chris: okay. let's find out. >> some people say pissy, are you really a doctor? >> well, i have an answer for you no i didn't, why you might ask? because i can't (bleep)ing read! >> chris: oh, no. pissy! what a difficult confession that must have been to make. >> you need to get pissy a better background. >> yes i feel this is what happened if jeff dunham made a "saw" movie. >> chris: points to jesse joyce. >> that is the end of youtube channels f'real. >> now it is time for our challenge sign of the times.
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all right. greatly enjoy this and i am happy to show it to you, brought us this image, a beautiful mystery wrapped in a gossamer riddle wrapped in a gold-leaf puzzle box, i present you don't feed the pigeons they do things. >> so ominous. i love the brevity, but what do the pigeons do? >> i want you guys to write a longer more detailed pigeon sign, hopefully letting us know what these feathered (bleep)ing rats are up to, we are going to get your answers right after the break. we will be right back with more @midnight. >>
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>> chris: back back to @midnight, before the break, we showed you this image from of a sign reading please do not feed the pigeons. they do things. >> and then no further explanation. i asked you guys to rewrite this sign with more detail, we put this challenge out on tumblr earlier and our favorite was do not feed the pigeons they use your food to train squirrels to murder. painted bare good job. let's see what you wrote, jesse joyce. >> what kind of things? well i set the pigeons on friday 9:30 i came home and sound signs of a struggle, my girlfriend is gone and i would like to speak to my lawyer, officer. >> marina franklin. >> if you feed the pigeons they could become educated and financially independent, eventually achieving equality and running for president.
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opening the door for what next? some bitch squirrel? >> please do not feed the pigeons i am taking them out for sushi in an hour and i don't want to ruin their appetite. >> chris: amazing. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: 1,000 points toed to. >> linked out linked out. >> chris: linked inis a site where people can connect through their jobs supposedly. i find it to be a place that mops up e-mails to join them. there are some fairly absurd job titles, real one includes sex expert and sex coach and so tight fitness trainer. comedians i want you to ring in with as many unique job titles as you can muster, begin with 60-seconds go jesse joyce. >> on a starnlg, i am a storage war reenactor. >> so good points. todd.
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>> a guy who tells your personal trainer to stop texting when you are trying to lift 380 pounds. >> chris: points. jesse. >> a second base coach. it is just a creepy dude who encourages teenagers to grab each other's boobs. >> chris: great. points. marina. >> 's hole cobb. >> asshole cop. >> wait wait. >> that is already taken. >> chris: is that the cop rude to you or someone who actually polices your asshole? >> which do you prefer? >> chris: points. marina. >> a job jim fair. >> disjim fair. >> someone has to do it. >> chris: we have to keep the squirrels out of the white house .. >> men's room attend didn't intern. >> chris: i like it points. >>er rec shun helper. >> >> chris: yes! that brings us to the end of linked out i see marina franklin you are in third place, i am so sorry. >> oh, michelle obama is losing! >> not me.
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.. >> thank you for being here but we must bathe you in red late! that means dinner is served. it's for the win! >> want to make it a meal they will never forget? we might recommend this delicacy that was oddly posted on imgur. >> a camel stuffed with a lamb stuffed with chickens. it is a khamenei. >> camlambcken. >> submitted by deputy ruth e bunt rock of gaastra, michigan. >> bunt rock is what get if you eat this. >> i got bunt rock. >> did you eat the camel? >> yes so imagine you are going to your local krogers and asking for, yeah i would like a whole camel, you know it doesn't have to be a large one, just one of those medium sized (bleep). >> we want you to write a review
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on this cookbook. and we will name a winner when we come back to when you told me about this "candy crush" game at first i thought "so what?", but now i can't stop playing. that's not how it works. i mean it's so simple. it's like my car insurance. i saved 15% in fifteen minutes. well esurance could have saved you money in half that time. three in a row! sweet! 15 minutes for a quote isn't so sweet. level 2!
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start with a quote from esurance and you could save money on car insurance in half the time. welcome to the modern world. esurance, backed by allstate. click or call. welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean wipe wipe, wipe, todd barry. it all comes down to this. i will read your answers aloud and you will decide who shall win. during the break i showed you this recipe from a cookbook for stuffed camel that landed on imgur and i asked you to review this cookbook on epicurious. >> you say this is a real thing but i am not going to google it. >> it is amazing, it is just this cartoonish dish and 40 people standing around it. it is amazing. >> no, there are 40 is what you are saying. >> pretty much. >> chris: did anybody go, whatever you eat chicken what is wrong with eating camel. >> because it is (bleep)ing weird. all right let's see what you guys wrote. let's see what you wrote. the first one as the editor of
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this cookbook i would like to issue sincere apologies to the two readers violently kicked to death because of a typo in our soft caramel recipe. >> or, or, whip up this stuffed camel and never be asked to make thanksgiving dinner again! >> number one is the winner. who was number one? jesse joyce, you have won! todd barry, you predicted losing today, but i adore you, we will see you tomorrow, our guests will be steve rannazzisi, jessimae peluso and brent morin. until then keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with sexy space. and become tomorrow's tweet of the day.
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good night! - dude, these edm fests are insane, man. look at this, dude. we gotta go. i say we give up our rock star lifestyles and go straight electronic dude. - uh, i don't know if i can sign off on that. i got a bunch of unplugged albums that i'm still spinning heavily. the alanis ones? unreal. - wow. god, though look at these neon titties. they're blinding. that's, like, exactly how i'd like to go blind. if i were to. - yes. and i-i want you to go blind trust me... - yes. - but, dude, 160 bucks a ticket? - that's a crime. - um, excuse me. is something wrong with y'all modem? sound like an android freak nik over here. - just because you don't like something doesn't mean that it's bad. and also, [bleep] you. everything that you like sucks. - listen, colleen's having another baby. you understand? she driving me crazy right now. i gotta get out this house. what y'all doing this weekend? - oh, not--not doing anything with you, i wouldn't think. - no. - probably just sitting at home wishing we were at this electronic music festival. - yeah. - mm-hmm. - that sounds like a good-as
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